Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Enteng ng Ina Mo

We just got home from watching Enteng ng Ina Mo at The Cabanas here in Malolos. It was a very funny movie, and almost all of us in the cinema was laughing. It was a good movie, it made me laugh for a while. But now that I'm back home and mulling over things, I can't help but feel sad again.

Sunday, December 25, 2011

Merry Christmas!

I sincerely wish everyone a very merry Christmas, although I know mine will not be merry, nor will the next years. We spent today in the cemetery with my kids, my mom, my sister, and Henry. I was surprised that there were also a lot of other people in the cemetery, not just us. So I guess we weren't alone in being lonely this holiday season.

Saturday, December 17, 2011

So This Is What Lonely Feels Like

Since the 25th, I haven't been in the mood to do anything. I just wake up and do whatever it is that needs to be done for the day and that's it. I've just been feeling so depressed and sad about Papa that whenever I remember, I can't help but go into another round of crying.

The other day, I snapped at Henry. I knew he was just joking, but I wasn't in the mood. I felt even more bad afterwards, as I know he was just trying to cheer me up, but it wasn't just working. Ugh, when I remember how I walked out of the room and raised my voice at Henry, it makes my stomach do flips.

I didn't bother putting up a single Christmas decoration in the house either, except for one Mama gave. I'm just not in the mood to do anything. :( It's a very sad feeling, and I'm sorry for being such a bummer for my kids. Today's their Christmas party and I didn't attend. Henry's there anyway, and Keisha doesn't need company, only Nicole does. I feel really sorry for them, but I also feel sorry for myself. Eventually I know we - my mom, my sister, and I - will get over this. We will be sad still, but not gloomy anymore.

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Very Difficult is an Understatement

Moving on after Papa passed away is very difficult to say the least. I really, really miss my dad and there's nothing in the world I wouldn't give for just another day with him. To see him smile, have him spend time with his grandkids, laugh, and a ton of other things I'd like to do.

Whenever Henry and I would talk about Papa retiring from work, I was looking forward to having him as company whenever the kids had any programs in school where they'd dance or sing. He could watch my kids in school personally, instead of waiting for the pictures and videos I uploaded on Facebook.

Sometimes I wonder if moving to the province was actually a good idea, since I made the distance between his grandkids and him quite far. We would visit him and they'd visit us every now and then, and I wish I had made it more often rather than every now and then.

I wake up every morning and I cry, since I have to deal with another day knowing he's not going to pick up the phone when I call them, and that I won't be seeing him anymore. I cry at night before going to bed, praying with all my heart that tomorrow would be different, that I'd wake up to find out everything was just a nightmare and that everything is back to normal. But it's not, and I know it.

Every picture I took during the wake broke my heart; it was like every moment cemented itself, like a slap to my face that Papa's not going to be with us anymore. I know I'm not waking up from this nightmare, and that this isn't a nightmare, it's real. Part of me still is having a hard time accepting that.

My mom and my sister aren't doing too well either. But whenever I see them, I smile, crack jokes, and pretend that I'm OK when I'm not. I don't want them to worry about me too, especially since it's just the two of them at home.

During the wake and the actual funeral, I bottled up all my emotions until I got home, or until I got in my car. One more person crying isn't going to help, especially since we had a ton of things to take care of. I wanted to keep myself busy, since if I'm not doing anything, and whenever I find myself alone in the room, I just can't help but be overwhelmed by a feeling of sadness and grief.

A lot of people keep saying that Papa's passing was untimely, since it's Christmas just a few days away; I have to disagree. No passing is ever timely, and we'd mourn all the same whether it was Christmas or not. I keep playing a song in my head, "Christmas won't be the same without you," but it's not just Christmas. It's every waking morning and every night when I sleep that's changed.

One of the elder people commented that since Papa was buried at exactly 12 noon, they said that was very lucky. I disagreed again; there's no luck and there's nothing lucky about anything that's happened. In my opinion, it would have been lucky if Papa stood up and we all just went home and pretended nothing happened. I know that's not reality, but what the heck, so is luck.

I have a ton of pictures to look at, pictures not only from the wake, but pictures when I was still young and whenever Papa would visit us here, and spend time with my kids. It just breaks my heart that he's gone. I will most likely never stop crying. It's a very sad feeling, like a hole's been dug in your heart and that hole aches all the time.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

I Miss My Dad

I really miss my dad.

Part of me is hoping this is all just a bad dream I will wake up from, but I know it's not, and I have to deal with the loneliness. It's hardest for my mom, so I'm trying to do everything I can to keep her occupied, and also to check on her every now and then.

My dad loved all of us despite our shortcomings. He had the patience to move mountains, was rarely angry, and made a lot of practical jokes on us and his officemates. During the wake, floods of people came. I hope somewhere out there, my dad is watching and he can see how he was loved by a ton of people. As his officemates said, he was a great boss.

I just wish he had told us about how he felt. He shouldn't have kept his health issues to himself - he worked in a hospital for crying out loud, and he can get medical treatment anytime. But my father was the type of person who didn't want to be a burden to anyone. He probably didn't want my mother to worry, so he just kept everything to himself. It breaks my heart to think about how he must have felt, and his choice to not share these feelings with anyone.

Every picture I took during the wake and the funeral cemented each event into my heart. It was like a slap, since I knew I wasn't waking up from this nightmare anymore. I just wish he was still around.

I knew he was going to retire early, and live here in the province with me, and take my mom and my eldest sister. His plans of having a house built in the piece of land he inherited from his family, live quietly, maybe take morning walks and take care of animals. I was very excited, since he could come with me to watch the kids whenever they had any school programs, come with us whenever we drove the kids to and from the school, teach my youngest how to write properly (he has the best handwriting ever), go to cockfights with us, and a ton of other things we could do together. But sadly, everything ended on November 25, 2011 when he had a heart attack. He will be forever missed.

Saturday, October 8, 2011

Go Henry!!!

Yesterday, Henry and I were at the kids' school for their respective Feast Days. During Nicole's program, all the dads were called to play a game similar to what the kids' played, and they were funny and great at the same time. Henry's group won, yay!

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Too Young or What?

My eldest daughter Keisha is turning 8 on the 29th, and she wants one of two things: an iPad2, or a laptop that's pink in color. I'm wondering if she's too young to have such gadgets, but I know for a fact that she won't have a hard time using them. She already operates the desktop computer we have and this laptop I'm using like she's been using one for a very, very long time.

I'm just worried that she may be too young to have such things, not to mention the fact that they're quite pricey. She even agreed to not have a birthday party with her classmates just to have an iPad2 or a laptop. So my husband Henry and I are still undecided, although it will mostly be her grandmother who will be buying her the said present. I wish we can decide sooner as it's just 23 days away and it will be her birthday soon.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Untitled...Words Get in the Way. :)

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Just Like Yesterday

Today is starting to be just like yesterday. While I wait for my eldest daughter Keisha who takes forever to eat breakfast, I sit on my computer and check my emails, log into Facebook as well, and do some other stuff while I enjoy a hot cup of coffee. She's eating Koko Krunch, the same as always, her favorite breakfast meal with fresh milk. I just wish she could start eating it faster so that it doesn't take us a whole hour just to prepare for school.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

An All Time Low

I don't think I've ever been this depressed before. Being told by your own husband that you're fat certainly leaves a mark. :(

Oh yeah, belated happy (it wasn't even happy) birthday to me too.

Thursday, May 12, 2011

Getting into the DIY Spirit

I have to admit, life has not been the easiest recently. Finances have been tight, and life in general has been more of a challenge than it ever has been. Thankfully, my husband and I are on the same page when it comes to keeping our expenses down. One of the things we have found useful and beneficial for both of us is doing things ourselves. We are no electricians, carpenters, plumbers, or anything of that sort. But recently, we found out that the things we usually pay for to get fixed are things we can actually fix ourselves.

One of the things I am very proud to say is that my husband and I managed to fix our Maytag washer without having to call for a repairman nor buying a whole new washer. Thanks to the website called PartSelect, we were able to diagnose what was wrong with our washer, order the part that needed to be replaced, and got everything up and running in no time.

I thought of going online and searching for what could have possibly happened when my washer just refused to turn on. I mean, I couldn't be all alone in this world with a Maytag washer that wouldn't turn on, right? After I've checked that it was properly plugged in and that everything was as it should be, I looked for repair websites that would help me. PartSelect not only helped me, but also lists all possible problems with this particular washer. To top everything off, PartSelect also sells the items that you need to replace, and even shows you an installation video! This is especially great if you are not into reading diagrams and manuals that much and prefer to actually see how things are done, like my husband is.

One of the things you will need in order to search for what could be wrong with your home appliances is its model number. I had no idea where to find mine, but the little guy on the bottom right hand corner of the screen when you visit the website of PartSelect showed me exactly where to look. Thanks to this website, all my appliances that do not work the way they should are given a second chance before they are completely replaced, helping us save money in the process.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Auto Repair

Having bought a second hand car, my husband and I have been experiencing several issues with it. Well, since we didn't know the first owner, we weren't sure how the car was treated and all, although its body seems to be in good condition. But well, since the reality is that we currently cannot and do not want to finance a new one, we stuck with a second hand one.

My cousin who lives in Texas is fortunate to have spent only several hundred dollars in a Dallas auto repair shop. He purchased a Chevrolet Silverado but I'm not 100% sure what year/make it was. After assessing the car's condition, they did some minor repairs on it plus a brake job. Now, the car is running as smooth as ever.

So all in all, this got me thinking. Buying a second hand car isn't as bad as some people would think. It really depends on choosing the right one, and then taking it to a trusted repair shop to get anything that might need fixing to be fixed.

Monday, January 10, 2011

Excited about House

I can't wait until my favorite TV series House resumes airing new episodes. The Christmas/New Year break they took did not do anything to help my eagerness to watch their episodes, lol. I guess there's something about nursing scrubs and doctors in lab gowns which I really like.

In part, I guess it is because I dreamed of becoming a doctor once upon a time. Well, this dream wasn't going to be a reality since I knew I couldn't afford medical school, but it was OK and I didn't mind at all. Besides, scrubs clothing looked extremely comfy, and since doctors and nurses worked round the clock, I felt those weren't going to help me keep myself awake. :)

So I'm eagerly awaiting the next House episode and I'm really excited. I can't wait to see my favorite TV actors and actresses in scrub clothing again.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Windows Live Writer

Just now I finished downloading Windows Live Writer, and this post is made with it. I’m just giving it a shot to see what it looks and feels like, although of course I know what it will look like since this is, after all, my blog, lol!

Anyway, I just wanted to get an idea of how things worked. If this would give me the capability to write posts and upload them when I have time, that would be great. I don’t have a lot of time right now for blogging, although it is something I seriously admit I miss. But my responsibilities and online commitments come first. So until then, I’ll have to put blogging either on hold or until I can work out a schedule for myself.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Happy New Year!!!

Happy New Year everybody! It’s a whole new year again, time for us to get things right!!!

Related Posts with Thumbnails